Sacrifice. Today I had to step away from something that has made me, Me for several years. Five months ago I stood in my shower talking to God. After a particularly powerful bible study I was proclaiming to God that I would give up anything for him. Anything. I'm fairly certain that God got a good laugh at that one because He was very quick to remind me of something that I was holding onto very tightly in my life. Something that I had let define me and consume every area of my life. In that moment, I realized that I couldn't give up everything for God. That one specific soemthing was so much apart of me, the thought of losing it gave me a panic attack, right there in my shower. The thought of leaving it all behind was too much for me. As I stood there sobbing I told God, "If you truly want me to give this up, you are going to have to change my heart because right now I can't." Today, on this unusually warm and cloudy November day, I was able to find my 20 seconds of insane courage and step away from the one thing I never thought I could leave. As I type this, my heart aches. For the first time I understand what it means to sacrifice something for God. Yet in my heart ache, I have peace. I have made the right choice. You see, He is calling me to something different, something amazing, but if I don't release the old things consuming my time and energy how will I ever get to where God wants me to go? How will I see God's blessings if I'm consumed by all the wrong things?
So today, my heart is aching. Even though I know what is best, a big chapter in my life is closing and another one is beginning. The destination is unknown and it may get a little messy along the way, but with God by my side I know I'll be okay. The one thing I've learned from all of this is that God loves me enough to persue me, even when my priorities were way off, when I've made some bad decisions and when I've chosen to ignore his direction in my life. I'm not perfect and thank goodness I don't have to be. God loves me despite it all and is still ready and willing to bless me. I just have to do my part. Sometimes following God takes some sacrifice but the reward is far greater than anything we will ever leave behind. So, with that said.. tonight after I tuck my precious babes into bed, I'm going to grab a glass of wine and cuddle on the couch with my husband. I'm going to allow my heart time to grieve, because tomorrow I begin anew. The only direction I'm moving is forward!
