Hello sweet friends, it's been a bit, hasn't it? It's been a long time since I've filled this space. I've been waiting... waiting for the time when God would speak to my heart and tell me "it's time".  There is a season for everything and I was so thankful that God pulled me out of one season to climb on the mountaintop of another. That's where I've been, on an amazing mountaintop sharing God's Word and loving people. He took me away from my computer to get messy with real life. It was Amazing, it was Rewarding and my oh my was it hard! I learned so much and was blessed in so many ways. Now, as I sit here I'm thankful for that wonderful season and have found myself settled into a peaceful valley, It's like a lush green valley, with God's love and provision everywhere, yet there are steep mountains on every side, keeping me right here.






I've found myself in a season on waiting, of trusting, and for a busy gal like me, that is hard. Waiting is hard on us isn't it? We live in a world where everything is instant. I get impatient if I wait more then 15 seconds for my browser to pull up Facebook. Waiting is an inconvenience and not something we enjoy. We want it all, right now. Waiting often makes us question if there is a problem. Is there something wrong with my router? Is that why my internet is running slow? Did I hear God wrong? Am I waiting because I heard God wrong somewhere along the way? I've been pouring over this question lately. "God, what is it you want me to do? This valley is beautiful and all, I am thankful for your blessings and provision as I sit here, but what is my next assignment? Where is my next assignment? What is wrong?" 

Have you every felt that way? Like you've been in a season of waiting, waiting to hear from God, waiting for God to show up in some way, yet He is quiet? Well, sweet friend, you aren't alone. As I pondered this this morning, God impressed on my heart the value of waiting, that maybe it's less about us waiting and more about us being willing to trust Him in the process. In the quiet (or chaos) of the valley He whispers, "Will you trust me to work all of this out for you?" "Will you sit here and let me fight these battles for you?" "Will you embrace this season of waiting and worship Me anyway?"


Waiting is hard, but today I'm looking at it with new eyes. Today I want to see waiting as a reason for worship, not because of what I'm seeing but because of  what I'm NOT seeing. I'm choosing to worship and thank God for all the unseen things He is doing behind the scenes to work everything out. Someday I will find my way out of this valley and if you've been blessed to be in a similar valley with me,  you will too. It may not be today or tomorrow, but that day will come. Until then lets thank God for being a God that cares, a God that loves and a God that works all things out for good for those that love Him.

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I read recently that you have to live something before you can successfully write about it. I found that to be powerful and so accurate. The words have been slow to come for me but now I understand that I had to do some living before I could really share. I had to gain wisdom that only comes from going through the trenches and coming back out the other side. Over the past year I've found this to be particularly so in regards to my body image and how I feel about myself when I look in the mirror and even more so when I step on the scale. I can safely say I've been in a major slump when it comes to my fitness routine over the past year. Leaving behind my coaching community took away that structure and accountability. I went through  some major life changes with a move, a new home and a new way of life and making me a priority became harder and harder. I no longer enjoyed running or working out. It became a chore, one I forced myself to do about once a week. I gained some weight and all I could think about was were I had been. I was on top of my game.. I was the thinnest and fittest I'd ever been. I had a 6 pack for goodness sake! I found myself wondering how I'd gotten so far off track and wondered if I'd ever get back there. Then one day I had a Aha! moment... one that caused a complete shift in my thinking: Even at my thinnest I still wasn't happy with myself. I've been unhappy with my body at every weight, at every age. There was nothing wrong with my body, it was my mind that needed the makeover. 

I let that thought sink deep into my soul and vowed I would stop beating myself up for everything that I wasn't. I needed to eliminate the lies and negative self talk I told myself each day and begin seeing myself through new eyes. I wanted to see myself the way my Father in heaven sees me.. even if I wasn't sure exactly what that was. I just knew that God loved me and if He could love me right where I am, it was possible for me to love myself as well, flaws and all. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." We are taught in the Bible that we don't have to entertain or believe every thought that comes into our mind. We can take unhealthy thoughts captive and kick them out before they settle deep within our hearts, so that's exactly what I started to do. It wasn't easy and I can honestly say I still struggle daily, but each morning when I look in the mirror and am tempted to tear myself apart for all the things I'm not I refuse to go there. I remind myself that I am loved for exactly who I am and then move on with my day. I refuse to stand on that scale or spend unnecessary time critiquing myself in the mirror. My beauty and everything that makes me who I am isn't defined by a number or reflection. It's defined by who I am in Christ and THAT is what I'm learning is enough for me. 

Is this easy? Absolutely not. It's taken me a long time to get to a place where I even feel comfortable sharing. BUT.. I can honestly say that practicing this, day in and day out is helping. I feel more peace and have been able to slowly loosen the chains of a unhealthy body image. I read something recently in my bible study class that was a great tool for this. It's called the 30 second rule (Adapted from Ron Carpenter, Relationship Builder: 30 second rule). It says that it's scientifically proven that when we have a thought enter our minds we have about 30 seconds to address it before our feelings start to set in. After the 30 seconds have passed we are likely to develop a relationship with that thought. We can become emotionally invested and that's how these cycles of negative self talk can get out of hand.  

So how do we stop this cycle? We stop entertaining these lies. We address the issue before it settles into our hearts. We CHOOSE to kick out these negative thoughts before we start believing (and obsessing over them). My sweet friends, the enemy doesn't want us feeling victorious (Romans 8:37) and he definitely doesn't want us shining bright for Jesus (Matthew 5:14). His scheme is to break us down so we don't feel worthy enough to do what we are called to do. I struggle with this and I know many of you do too. Today lets not forget who we are, lets take those negative thoughts captive and decide each day that we are greater than the negative voice inside our head.

 

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I love summer. I love sleeping in a little later, camping, roasting smores over the campfire, fun day trips, watching my kids ride their bikes back and forth down our street and even the sweet smell of the grass as the sun sets on another hot day. I can almost feel the memories being made by my sweet boys, the way I did as a young girl. Summer can be a fun and magical time, unless your a mom and it's pool time. Everything about summer is great, until it's time to slip on that swimsuit or even worse go out and buy a new swimsuit. It can bring some anxiety and stir up some insecurities that we didn't even know we had. Many moms brave the pool or lake side with a pull over, shorts or towel around their waist. Some don't even do it at all, they simply refuse to get in one. I recently went through the experience of buying another swimsuit. I needed one that I felt comfortable taking a group of boys to the pool with, one with some modesty, that stayed on despite tugs from my little guy and yet somehow didn't make me look like an old maid. The anxiety of the experience still wells up in me as I think back. If you've looked at the swimsuit racks lately, you know what I'm talking about. I find myself wondering, who actually designs these swimsuits and most importantly who labels them with the appropriate size?! It's like they are on a mission to lower the self esteem of women all over the country. After a short 15 minutes in the dressing room I can admit that their mission was accomplished. Even though I found one that was acceptable, I left filling beat up. The thing is, even when I was my fittest and thinnest I still felt that way. I realized that there wasn't anything wrong with my body but everything wrong with the swimsuits on those racks. I chose then to not lot a piece of fabric define me and you shouldn't either. 

Ive spent a lot of time standing in front of the mirror critiquing myself over the years. I could make a list a mile long of all the things I wished I could do better or ways I could look better. I don't know when this happened, at what point as a young girl did I stop loving myself for who I was and started wishing I was better. I can blame the media and all those Victoria Secret swimsuit catalogs I used to flip through for this but at the end of the day I think it goes so much deeper. At one point I had to ask myself: Are the things I'm saying to myself true or lies coming to me from the enemy? The last time I checked my bible didn't say anything about me not being enough or me being fat or unworthy. In fact, my bible says quite the opposite. It says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:14), that I shine like stars in the sky (Phil 2:15), that I am victorious (Romans 8:37).  I don't know about you but I'm tired of living by the lies that I'm not good enough. Do I look like the supermodels in that catalog, of course not, but at the end of the day does that really matter? My value goes way beyond any swimsuit and as a believer in Christ I am flawless in the eyes of my Creator. 

I made a promise to myself recently that I would no longer stand in front of the mirror and beat myself up or allow myself to believe the lies that so easily slip in. I had to remind myself that I have a choice. It's up to me and I'm choosing the freedom that comes from the truth. I'm choosing to take care of this body I've been blessed with and let that be enough, even if it doesn't produce a Victoria Secret body. I am beautiful and so are you, no matter what those lies have said or what the reflection in the mirror says. My dear friend, as those swimsuits come out I encourage you to remind yourself of your true value and beauty and stop the lies before they settle in your heart. Slip on that swimsuit with pride and enjoy yourself. You are beautiful, just the way you are.

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I sit here, fingers on the keys, eager to tell you something that has been on my heart for a long time. I've went back and forth about what to say, how to say it or if I should say it at all. It makes me vulnerable and real and that's not always an easy thing to do. Last month I celebrated my 2nd anniversary as a health and fitness coach. My first year was met with excitement and hope for another year. I met A LOT of my goals in 2014. I reached a rank in my coaching business that most coaches dream to be and my pay check reflected that. I was motivated, dedicated and on fire. All the things us empowered women desire. I was living the dream and staying at home with my kids in the process. Perfect right? Then last summer, I got hurt. What appeared as an injury turned out to be a developmental issue in my spine that I've had all along. It just decided to make it's grand appearance just a few months shy of my 30th birthday. Yay me! So for 6 months I was out, out of my routine, away from my workouts and doing a lot of walking. Nothing is more humbling than training for a marathon and being in the best shape of your life to getting winded on a walk. It was tough and I was angry. Since then, I've gained 10lbs and an entirely new perspective on life and my body. The issue of body image is a tricky one for us women. We can look at our bodies and hate it or we can look at our bodies and worship it in all of it's awesome-ness. The problem is, neither of them are good. Let me explain...

For many women we spend a lifetime looking in the mirror and critiquing what we see. We want to lose weight, tone up...if only... we say...If only I lost 20lbs, if only these thighs would melt away or if only I had ab definition. If our wishes came true our life would be so much better and we could finally love ourselves. The truth is, at least for me, that if only day never came because once I got it, it wasn't enough. I lost 45lbs, had rock hard abs and great legs. I had the body I had always wanted yet it wasn't enough. I still critiqued my body in the mirror and when I wasn't doing that I was spending way to much time admiring my awesome-ness and taking an obscene amount of selfies.  My daily thoughts were consumed with my body; calculating every calorie I put in my body, pushing my body to it's limits, and taking way too many pictures to post on FB to help "motivate" others to do the same. Little did I know that I had found myself on a slippery slope. What started off as a healthy goal turned into me on some crazy train. When I thought I was moving straight towards my goals, I was in fact getting further and further away from the things that mattered most. Somewhere along the way I had made myself my own god, one that was separating me from where I really wanted to be. The sad thing is, is that I didn't even realize it. It took me getting hurt and sick and whatever that season of my life was to realize that I was way off target. I had been consumed by the health and fitness industry and thankfully God loved me enough to send me a wake up call; a wake up call to remind me that there are more important things going on around me than that image in the mirror and some crazy goal I set for myself.

I will say that this blog post and my message will not be a popular one, especially among my peers. We are living in a society that is overweight, so naturally we want to promote health and fitness. As a health and fitness coach, we want to inspire others to finally take those steps to being healthy. However, I think there is an entire culture of women that have taken things to the extreme, where they are making incredible sacrifices, going "ALL IN", depriving themselves all for the sake of an image in the mirror (or even better on Facebook.. to show all of you!) I find myself wondering where is the balance? Where is the woman that is healthy but also goes for pizza on Friday night? Where is the woman that takes care of her body but doesn't beat herself up if she misses a few workouts because she's traveling or because she's sick? I don't know about you but I want to be inspired by that woman. I want to follow the woman that invests in her family and herself. I want to follow the woman that is real. I've been the extreme. I've lived the life and reached the goals and I found it unrewarding. I found a marriage that was stressed and a home that lacked the peace it once had, peace brought by a woman who had balance and gave herself a little more grace.

Now, let me clarify, I am NOT saying it's wrong to have goals and to totally rock your workouts. I'm NOT saying it's wrong to motivate others by your awesomeness. I just want to send you, my beautiful friends, a gentle message that it's okay not to be extreme. In a culture that says you have to have a smoken hot body, please know it's okay to just be happy with who you are. It's okay to live a life of balance. As a health and fitness coach, I encourage you to focus on your health by staying active and putting healthy foods in your body. However, the new me also encourages you to go for ice cream with your children on a Saturday night or leave your running shoes at home on your weekend getaway with your husband so you can enjoy those morning snuggles a little longer. As women, lets lead a balanced life where it's okay to be real, where  we focus on our health but it's not our ONLY focus. As Jesus girls, lets not let our bodies become our god. Instead lets pray a little more, rely on Him a little more and give ourselves a little extra grace because heaven knows at the end of the day we all need it.

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